Examination of Conscience for Married Couples

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Marriage is a sacrament and a vocation, which means it comes with its own duties — and its own particular ways of falling short. This examination keeps the whole Ten Commandments but draws out what the married state asks: fidelity and openness to life, patience with the person you live beside, and the formation of children in the faith. Spouses confess individually, but examining honestly is something a marriage does well together.

Examining your conscience as a spouse

Take ten quiet minutes before confession — ideally not in the middle of an argument. Ask God for the honesty to see your own part rather than rehearsing your spouse’s. The examination of conscience is never an inventory of the other person’s faults; it is an inventory of your own. Confession is individual: each spouse confesses for themselves. But many couples find it fruitful to keep a shared rhythm — going to the same parish, the same season, so that the sacrament becomes part of the life of the marriage.

Duties to your spouse

The Catechism describes married love as total, faithful, and open to life. The most common failures in the married state press on exactly those three.

• Have I treated my spouse with contempt, harshness, or indifference? (CCC 2204)
• Have I been unfaithful to my spouse in thought or action? (CCC 2380 — grave matter)
• Have I viewed pornographic or impure material? (CCC 2354 — grave matter)
• Have I used contraception or refused openness to life in my marriage? (CCC 2370 — grave matter)
• Have I withheld affection, honesty, or forgiveness to punish my spouse? (CCC 2840)

Duties to your children

Parents are, in the Church’s words, the first and foremost educators of their children — and the first responsibility for their formation in the faith falls to the home, not the parish or the school (CCC 2223, 2226). This is grave matter when it is neglected outright.

• Have I failed to lead my family in prayer or to bring my children to Mass? (CCC 2226 — grave matter)
• Have I been a poor example to my children in the practice of the faith? (CCC 2223)
• Have I failed to teach the faith to those in my care? (CCC 2226)
• Have I provoked my children through anger, favoritism, or neglect? (CCC 2222–2223)
• Have I failed to care for aging or sick members of the family? (CCC 2218)

The rest of the commandments

Marriage does not exempt anyone from the rest of the moral life — and the pressures of a household often sharpen it.

• Have I neglected prayer, or let my own faith grow lukewarm? (CCC 2094, 2098)
• Have I lost my temper in a way that hurt my spouse or children? (CCC 2302)
• Have I been dishonest in financial matters, taxes, or business? (CCC 2409)
• Have I been greedy or materialistic, or envious of other families? (CCC 2536, 2553)
• Have I gossiped about others, including about my own family? (CCC 2477)

For the underlying questions in full, see the Ten Commandments examination; for the distinction that decides what must be confessed, see mortal vs. venial sin.

Frequently asked

Should married couples go to confession together?

Confession itself is always individual — each spouse confesses their own sins privately to the priest. But many couples go to the same parish on the same evening or in the same season, which builds the sacrament into the rhythm of the marriage and makes it far more likely to actually happen.

Is using contraception a sin I need to confess?

The Church teaches that contraception is gravely contrary to the openness to life that belongs to married love (CCC 2370). If you have used it with full knowledge and consent, it is matter for confession. A priest can also help you understand the Church's teaching and the alternatives the Church proposes.

How often should married couples go to confession?

At minimum, the Church requires confession of grave sin once a year (CCC 2042). A monthly or seasonal rhythm is a tremendous grace for a marriage — it keeps resentment from accumulating and models the faith for children. Going regularly, even with only venial sins to confess, is strongly encouraged.

What if my spouse won't go and it's straining our marriage?

You can only bring your own conscience to the sacrament; you cannot confess for your spouse or force the issue. Confess your own part honestly — including any contempt or unforgiveness — and let your steady practice be its own quiet invitation. A parish priest can offer counsel for the harder cases.

Continue: Examination of conscience · Mortal vs. venial sin · How to prepare for confession